Text Examples for
Fun/Jokes

What is good luck on St. Patricks Day:
1. Finding a four-leaf clover
(that's double the good luck it usually is).
2. Wearing green.
3. Kissing the blarney stone.
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Irish the word.:
Irish = (noun)

1 : (plural in construction) : natives or inhabitants of Ireland or their descendants esp. when of Celtic speech or culture

2 a : the Celtic language of Ireland esp. as used since the later medieval period

b : English spoken by the Irish

Irish *ly = (adverb) In a manor characteristic to the Irish (This word first appeared in 1571)

Irish*ism = (noun) a word , phrase, or expression characteristic of the Irish
(First appeared in 1734)
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Irish Jokes:
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint
of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and
shakes him while yelling, Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
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An Irish Fight:
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks
Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says
Paddy. "That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to
you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says
Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with
it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't
you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs.
O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
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Irish Cemetery:
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the
pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy,
"It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul.
He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean,
"here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit,
awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone
marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
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Irish Miracle:
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city
one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where
have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the
drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did
you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across
his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh,
thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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Irish Predicament:
Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic
Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The
Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk
mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
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Irish Last Request:
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he
have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest
says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Jesus, Mary and
Joseph, put down that damn gun!'"
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April Fools Joke:
Q: Why are people so tired on April 1st?
A: Because they just finished a 31-day March
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The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life:
1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
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Top 14 Things PMS Stands For:
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Midsection
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly; Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
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Women:
Ever notice how many women's problems can be traced to men?

MENstruation

MENopause

MENtal Breakdown

GUYnecology
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Hormone Hostage Survival Guide:
Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
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Moods of a Woman:
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

MOODS OF A MAN

Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.
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Easter Jokes:
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A Hot Cross bunny.

What do you get when you cross a bunny with a spider?
A harenet.

What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
Thistle have to do!

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
It has 4 rabbits' feet.

What do you get when you cross a bunny with a leek?
A bunion.
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Halloween Jokes:
Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. Ice Scream.

Q. What do witches put on their hair?
A. Scare spray.

Q. Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
A. Because he was in need of a light snack.
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Halloween Jokes:
Q. What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?
A. They boo-kle their seatbelts

Q. What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A. A cereal killer

Q. Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
A. Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&M's

Q. Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
A. Because everyone was a goblin!

Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?
A. With a pumpkin patch.
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Halloween:
It's strange.
Sure is strange.
You've got to pick up every stitch.
Two rabbits running in the ditch.
Beatniks are out to make it twitch.
Oh nooooooo! Must be the season of the witch.
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Thanksgiving Jokes:
If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"?
Because they never learned good table manners!

What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, hubble, hubble.

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play.

Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside.

How did the Mayflower show it liked America?
It hugged the shore.

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Turkey in the barnyard.:
Turkey in the barnyard, what does he say?
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble all day.

Turkey on the table, what do I say?
Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy all day.

Turkey in my tummy, what do I say?
I ate too much on Thanksgiving Day!
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Thanksgiving Jokes:
What key has legs and can't open doors?
A Turkey.

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
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Thanksgiving Day:
Thanksgiving Day will soon be here
It comes around but once a year
If I could only have my way,
We'd have Thanksgiving every day.
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Twas the night of Thanksgiving.:
Twas the night of Thanksgiving, I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned--the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling,
floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.

But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees.......
happy eating to all---pass the cranberries, please!
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Love Like Flowers:
A rose can say I love you,
Orchids can enthrall,
But a weed bouquet in a chubby fist,
Oh my, that says it all!
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Joke:
Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus on Valentine's Day?

A: I want to hold your hand, hand,
hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.
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Joke:
Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and we'll go places!
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Olive You:
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
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Father/Mother:
"If the hat is missin'...I've gone fishing."
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Father/Mother:
"Old Fisherman never die, they just smell that way."
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My Shadow:
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
he is very, very like me from the heels up to the head
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.

The funniest thing about this is the way he likes to grow
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller than an india-rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.

And he hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And he can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close behind me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me.

One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an errant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.
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Family:
FAMILY= (F)ather (A)nd (M)other (I) (L)ove (Y)ou
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Fun Facts:
* Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

* Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

* How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

* Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

* If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

* Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

* If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

* We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are
pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are
different colors, but they all have to learn to live in the same
box.

* Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

* Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Sent in by Carolyn Marvinetz of Michigan.

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The Senility Prayer:
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

I started out with nothing and still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded . . .

All reports are in -- life is now officially unfair.

Of all the things I've lost - I miss my mind the most.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few . . .

Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere!

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .

I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

Sent in by Carolyn Marvinetz
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Christmas Jokes and Riddles:
"There once was a Tsar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife, "Look honey. It's raining." She, being the obstinate type, responded," I don't think so, dear. I think it's snowing."
But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife," Let's step outside and we'll find out." Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain. And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies," I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

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Christmas Jokes and Riddles:
Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus travelling in a elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $5.00 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, the other two don't exist!
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Easter Jokes:
What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
A harenet.

What did the bunny want to do when he grew up?
Join the Hare Force.

How do you make a rabbit stew?
Make it wait for 3 hours!

How does a rabbit make gold soup?
He begins with 24 carrots (carets!)

What does it mean when you see thirty rabbits in a row and they are all marching backwards?
What you have is a receding hareline.

What can rabbits have that no other animal can have?
Baby rabbits.
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Halloween Jokes:
Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A. Boo boos.

Q. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
A. Because of his coffin.

Q: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A: It's good for the bones.

Q: What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween?
A: White Pillowcases.

Q: What was the witches' favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling.
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Halloween Jokes:
Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!

Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A. No body

Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A. Bone appetit!

Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A. Dayscare centers

Q. When is bad luck to see a black cat?
A. When you're a mouse.
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Halloween Jokes:
Q. Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
A. To improve his bite

Q. What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
A. Benjamin Frankenstein

Q. What's a monster's favorite play?
A. Romeo and Ghouliet

Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. Bamboo

Q: How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch!

Q: Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
A: Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
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Halloween Jokes:
Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
A: No, they eat the fingers separately

Q. What's a haunted chicken?
A. A poultry-geist

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
A: Frostbite

Q: What do little trees say on Halloween?
A: Twig or treat

Q. Why do witches think they're so funny?
A. Because every time they look in the mirror it cracks up.

Q. Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
A. Because he was in need of a light snack.
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Halloween Jokes:
Q. Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
A. Have you ever tried to iron a monster?

Q: Why don't skeletons go trick or treating?
A: Because they have no body to go out with.

Q: How does a witch know when it's time to go trick or treating?
A: She looks at her witch watch

Q. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
A. Because of his coffin

Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A. They're good at keeping things under wraps

Q. What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
A. Ghost-Toasties

Q.What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
A. A wash and wear wolf.
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Halloween Jokes:
Q. What do call a witch that has poison ivy?
A. An itchy witchy

Q: Where do vampires live?
A: In the Vampire State Building

Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
A. His other fang.

Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween?
A: Twick or Tweet

Q: Why did the witch stand up in front of an audience?
A: She had to give a screech.
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Halloween Jokes:
Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
A: Tombstones

Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
A: Squash

Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away

Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A: She had bat breath

Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor?
A: Because he was coffin.
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Halloween Jokes:
Q: What does a vampire fear most?
A: Tooth decay

Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account?
A: At a blood bank

Q: What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween?
A: Frankenfurters with Ketchup

Q: Where do mummies go for a swim?
A: To the dead sea

Q: What is Transylvania?
A: Dracula's terror-tory.
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Halloween Jokes:
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts

Q: Where does dracula water ski?
A: On Lake Erie

Q: What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
A: A hobblin goblin

Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A: A blood vessel

Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by it's circumference?
A: Pumpkin Pi
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Halloween Jokes:
Q: Why are there fences around cemetaries?
A: Because people are dying to get in.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts.

Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A: A BOO-logna sandwich.
Q: How does the silly witch know what time it is?
A: She looks at her witch-watch.

Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Don't spook until your spooken to.
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Halloween Jokes:
Q: What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
A: An amoeboo!

Q: What's a vampire's favorite treat?
A: NECKtarines

Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
A: By blood vessels.

Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!

Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.
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Teacher Joke:
Mother: Come on John you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school.
John: Ahh mom do I have to, all the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me too.
Mother: Yes you do.
John: Give me a good reason.
Mother: You're 44 and you're the Principal!
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Fun Prayer for Women:
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.

Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.

Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
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Five tips for a woman....:
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
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Man of the House:
A husband had finished a book about being t he "Man of the House" by the time he reached his home. All charged up he stormed into his house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing and shaking a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!" "I demand that you prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward!". "Then, after dinner, you're going to rub my tired feet and draw me my bath so I can relax". "I will be expecting you to bring me martinis while I soak in the tub!" "And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," replied his wife
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Women are like Apples:
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy....... So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked! And.....

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
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Relatives of yours?:
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In laws."
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Three friends in heaven:
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven.

There, they are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
[ top ]     
Cat:
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
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Anniversary:
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the heck was I thinking?"
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Someone to Have:
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you.
I've changed my mind.
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Friendship:
We have been friends for a very long time
let's say we stop?
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Housework Challenged Husband:
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of North Carolina."

And they say blondes are dumb....
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Happy Woman:
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says, "I'll miss you...."
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Married for Money:
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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Success:
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said - Well, you succeeded.
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Swapping Positions:
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
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Grocery Money:
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
[ top ]     
Rumor:
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor.
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Love that Fairy:
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.

Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!
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Pray for Wisdom:
A PRAYER Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN
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WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
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Understanding Women (A Man's Perspective):
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
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Marriage Seminar:
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
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Wife versus Husband:
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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Words:
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
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Creation:
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
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The Silent Treatment:
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
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Gods Creation:
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
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Marriage (Part II):
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
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Grandma's Smile:
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner! "
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Lesson In Political Science:
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one,
milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
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Being a Christian is like being a pumpkin.:
God lifts you up, takes you in, and washes all the dirt off of you.
He opens you up, touches you deep inside and scoops out all the yucky stuff--including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc.
Then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside you to shine for all the world to see.
This was passed on to me from another pumpkin. Now, it is your turn to pass it to a pumpkin.
Happy Fall!
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How to Stay Young:
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.
(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches;)

3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain get idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and Lots of time with HIM/HER.

6. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourself. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
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Frog:
I was told a story about a lady in the hospital who was near death when an area Chaplain came to visit her. This Chaplain was a very young female with long blond hair. She listened to the lady who was ill and left her a small gift for comfort. It was a tiny ceramic frog.

The next day one of the people from the lady's church came to visit. The lady told her friend about the beautiful young Chaplain who had come to visit her. The friend was so impressed with the way the lady had improved and felt the need to talk to the young Chaplain. In her search to find the young gal, she was repeatedly reassured that the chaplains are never very young and that there was never a gal that fit the description given.

Upon returning to the lady in the hospital, a visiting nurse entered the room and noticed the ceramic frog. The nurse made the comment "I see you have a guardian angel with you," As she held the little frog. We asked why she made the comment and we were informed that the frog stood for:
(F) Fully (R) Rely (O) On (G) God

To The World You Might Be One Person; But To One Person You Might Be the World.
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The Smooth Husband:
As I was on the way home from a long and stressful day at
the office, the car phone rang. It was my husband.
"Will you be joining me in the hot tub tonight?" he asked.
"What a lovely way to spend an evening," I thought. I was about
to tell him how considerate he was when he continued, "Because
if you're not, I need to start adding more water to the tub."
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Emergency Flashers:
Lena's car breaks down on the Highway 8 just outside of Lindstrom one day.
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully
steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men;
Lars and Sven in trench coats who stand at the rear of the vehicle where
they are facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats, exposing
their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, this causes one of the worst pileups in history of
the highway. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop,
clearly enraged, runs toward Lena's vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going
on here?" "Ya, vell my car broke down," says Lena, calmly. "Well, what
are these perverts doing here by the road?" asks the cop. And she said
"Vell, officer dose are my emergency flashers!"
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Diary from a Dog and a Cat:
EXCERPTS FROM THE DOG'S DAILY DIARY

8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

EXCERPTS FROM THE CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 283 Of My Captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my
captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost
succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to
disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself
to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to
make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into
their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little
cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell
the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to
MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to
my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got
to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he
reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room,
his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
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Does Make You Feel Good:
1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla or strawberry!)
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach.
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke.
24. Friends.
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies.
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or
bad) never change.
40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much
desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another
beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people
think.
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Forgive thy enemies?:
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" the Minister asked.
"I don't have any" she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight" she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell the congregation how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, smiled sweetly and said, "I outlived the #@&%@."
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Mid-life:
I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally--more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.
That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
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Irish tale:
Sister Mary Catherine lived in an Irish nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store.

One day, in walked Sister Mary Catherine and said, "Oh, Jack, give me a pint o' the Irish Whiskey."

"Sister Mary Catherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack", she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped, "It helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Catherine! And, she was plastered! She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Catherine! For shame!! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Catherine didn't miss a beat. She replied, "And so it is. When she sees me, she's gonna !&#@."
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A Good Woman:
A good woman is proud of herself. She respects herself and others. She is aware of who she is. She neither seeks definition from the person she is with, nor does she expect them to read her mind. She is quite capable of articulating her needs.

A good woman is hopeful. She is strong enough to make all her dreams come true. She knows love, therefore she gives love. She recognizes that her love has great value and must be reciprocated. If her love is taken for granted, it soon disappears.

A good woman has a dash of inspiration, a dabble of endurance. She knows that she will, at times, have to inspire others to reach the potential God gave them. A good woman knows her past, understands her present and moves toward the future.

A good woman knows God. She knows that with God the world is her playground, but without God she will just be played. A good woman does not live in fear of the future because of her past. Instead, she understands that her life experiences are merely lessons, meant to bring her closer to self knowledge and unconditional self love.
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Brain Transplant:
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
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Men are Like 2:
1. Men are like ..Laxatives ..... They irritate the poop out of you.
2. Men are like ..Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .......Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ...Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ...Government Bonds .. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ...Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ...Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like .....Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.
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Whales:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
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What God Looks Like:
A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl:
replied, "They will in a minute."
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10 Commandments:
A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she
asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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White Hair:
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the
kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma,
how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
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The Photograph:
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher,
She's dead. "
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Circulation of Blood:
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make
the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the
blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
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God is Watching:
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large
pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want.
God is watching the apples.
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Blonde on a Horse:
A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway!
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its' slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over......

As her head is battered against the ground and she is moments away from unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
[ top ]     
Warn the Pope:
Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died


Year 2005

1 .Prince Charles got married (again)
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe (again)
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died
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Golf Balls:
A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, and she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
[ top ]     
A Real Friend Test:
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.

A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.

A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names. A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed. A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it.

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend calls you after you had a fight.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend expects to always be there for you!
[ top ]     
Murphy:
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher
[ top ]     
Skinny Dipping:
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and peach trees. The pond was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore. One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket with which to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said,"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.
[ top ]     
If:
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,




...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
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Pastor Joke:
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
[ top ]     
Blonde Joke:
A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl."
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

"Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
[ top ]     
Cigarettes and Tampons:
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
[ top ]     
Who Does What:
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
[ top ]     
Marriage - Part I:
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ....whether you're here or not."
[ top ]     
Marriage (Part III):
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"
[ top ]     
Mother of Six:
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
[ top ]     
Dear Dogs and Cats:
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - pet nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's behind. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
[ top ]     
FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK::
5. " They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen"

4. "this is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout....you probably got here just in time."

2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

and the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.....

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "....in Jesus' name, Amen."
[ top ]     
Subject: Getting Old:
90-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That crazy old fart!
He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
[ top ]     
Fools Dictionary:
April Fool: A person successfully tricked on 1st April. Fool: A person who acts unwisely or imprudently, a stupid person, a jester/clown. One who acts in a joking/teasing way. Fools Cap: A cap with bells attached worn by jesters. Act the Fool: Behave in a silly way. Fools Errand: A fruitless venture. Fools Gold: Iron pyrites, often mistaken for gold. Fools Paradise: Happiness founded on a illusion. Fool's Parsley: A species of hemlock resembling parsley. Playing the Fool: To act like the idiot or foolishly. Tomfoolery: Foolish behavior, nonsense. Trompe-l'oeil: A still-life painting, designed to give a illusion of reality. Literally 'deceives the eye'. Foolery: Foolish behavior/a foolish act. Foolhardy: Rashly or foolishly bold, reckless.
[ top ]     
Subject: Dust:
Remember...a layer of dust protects the Wood beneath it.
Dusting
"A house becomes a home when you can write "I love you" on the furniture." I can't tell you how many countless hours that I have spent CLEANING!
I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect - "in case someone came over".
Then I realized one day that no-one came over; they were all out living life and having fun!
Now, when people visit, I find no need to explain the "condition" of my home. They are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I was away living life and having fun. If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice.

Life is short. Enjoy it! Dust if you must.......
but wouldn't it be better to
paint a picture or write a letter,
bake cookies or a cake
or plant a seed, ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time, with rivers to swim and
mountains to climb, music to hear and books to read, friends to
cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there
with the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair,
a flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
This day will not come around, again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind, old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go - and go you must - you, yourself will make more dust!

It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.
[ top ]     
Guess Who!!:
F.....is for the Fur trim round his big black boots and hat
A.....is for his Apple cheeks, so cuddly, round and fat!
T.....is for the Toys he brings, and
H.....his Happy smile!
E.....is for his Eyes, so bright, and
R.....each Reindeer mile!

C.....is for the Chimney stack, and
H.....the Hearth below.
R.....for his Red cloak and hood, and
I.....the Ice and snow!
S.....is for the Stockings,
T.....is for the Tree - and
M.....is for the Mistletoe, which we all love to see!
A.....is for the Angels, who on Christmas cards appear - and
S.....for dear old Santa Claus, who comes to us each year!
[ top ]     
Women's Advice To Men:
* The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

* The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

* If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's the butts.

* If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.

* Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

* Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.

* Please don't drive when you're not driving.

* Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

* Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.

* If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.

* The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

* If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

* Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.

* When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

* Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll never see the 'island' coming.

* Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.

* Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

* Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

* Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses.
[ top ]     
If Women Rule The World:
* A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.

* Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men.

* Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

* Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be considered "Macho".

* The hem of men's pants would go up or down depending on the economy.

* Men would be forced to purchase overpriced clothes every season.

* Minnie Mouse would get equal billing with Mickey.

* Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

* Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles.

* PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

* Men would come with papers showing their true identity, marital and employment status, if they live with their mother, and whether they have had their shots.

* Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

* Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

* "Ms Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

* Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them.

* Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

* Men would be as attentive AFTER marriage as they were before.

* Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

* Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks".

* Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.

* Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

* Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

* Men would learn phrases like: I'm sorry, I love you, You're beautiful, Of course you don't look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep-I'll take care of the baby, etc.

* Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

* Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

* Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.

* All toilet seats would be nailed down. (Yea!)

* Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

* TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one minute.

* All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

* Men would have their wedding rings permanently attached so they can't pretend to be single.

* During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year old men.

* Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
[ top ]     
Men Are Like...:
* Men are like department stores....their clothes should always be half off.

* Men are like vacations....they never seem to be long enough.

* Men are like computers...hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

* Men are like coolers...load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

* Men are like chocolate bars....sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

* Men are like coffee....the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

* Men are like horoscopes....they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

* Men are like plungers...they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

* Men are like cement....after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

* Why are men like laxatives? They irritate the shit out of you.

* Why did God create man? Because vibrators don't mow lawns.

* What are two reasons men don't mind their own business? No mind-No business.

* How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped.

* Why is it hard for a women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

* How is a man like a snowstorm? You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

* Why are men given larger brains than dogs? So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

* Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs.
[ top ]     
Words From Women:
* I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. Dolly Parton
* You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. Erica Jong
* I want to have children, but my friends scare me.
* One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. Rita Rudner
* I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. Roseanne
* My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. Rita Rudner
* I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. Susie Loucks
* This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" Judy Tenuta
* He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. Carol Leifer
* I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. Wendy Liebman
* Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. Erma Bombeck
* If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. Sue Grafton
* I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. Roseanne
* I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. Sue Kolinsky
* I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. Dolly Parton
* I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? Wendy Liebman
* I think-therefore I'm single. Lizz Winstead
* When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. Elayne Boosler
* I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. Gilda Radner
* Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Maryon Pearson
* Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. Bella Abzug
* In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. Margaret Thatcher
* If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary. Margaret Atwood
* I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. Gloria Steinem
* Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. Gloria Steinem
* Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. Katharine Hepburn
* I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. Marie Corelli
* Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. Baroness Edith Summerskill
* If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? Linda Ellerbee
* I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. Zsa Zsa Gabor
[ top ]     
100 Things Not To Say During Sex:
1. But everybody looks funny naked.

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?.

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead....

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone.

8. Is that a medic-alert pendent?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

11. Person 1: This is your first time, right? Person 2: Yeah...today.

12. (in a Motel) Hurry up!! This room rents by the hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend.

18. So much for mouth to mouth.

19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, ok?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober.

21. (holding a banana) Just a little trick I learned at the zoo.

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (preparing to use peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch.

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth.

27. Smile, you're on candid camera.

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies.

31. (in a threesome) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth.

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs.

37. You're good enough to do this for a living.

38. Is that blood on the headboard.

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel.

42. That leak better be from the waterbed.

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries.

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.

45. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

46. Did I tell you my Aunt Marsha died on this bed?

47. No really, I do this part better myself.

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate.

49. This would be more fun with a few more people.

50. You're almost as good as my ex.

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell, or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel.

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion.

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off gun?

59. You give me reason to believe foreplay is overrated.

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't' even have to buy you dinner.

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession....

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home.

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who think sex means something.

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about.

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time.

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you.

77. Hic! I need another beer for this, please.

78. I think biting is romantic, don't you?

79. Q: You can cook too, right? A: (whaddaya think I'm doing?)

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like. Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

84. Don't mind me, I always file my nails in bed.

85. (in a phone booth) Would you mind if I make a few calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes.

89. Could you at least ACT like you're enjoying it?

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO.

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

93. So THAT'S why they call you Mr. Flash.

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a lot longer.

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain.

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses.

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise.

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
[ top ]     
What Women Want:
Original List (age 22):

1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover

Revised List (age 32):

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head) 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week

Revised List (age 42):

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK) 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves most weekends

Revised List (age 52):

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers my name on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends

Revised List (age 62):

1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when asleep 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend

Revised List (age 72):

1. Breathing 2. Doesn't miss the toilet

Sent in by Carolyn Reese of Michigan
[ top ]     
Top Ten Reasons Cats Are Better Than Men!:
1. Cats don't golf every Saturday.

2. Cats won't say an outfit makes you look fat.

3. Cats aren't interested in microbrews. (what is that anyway?)

4. Cats don't golf on Sunday either.

5. Cats treat your mom with respect.

6. Cats don't leave the seat up.

7. Cats aren't afraid of commitment.

8. Cats don't think the Three Stooges are funny.

9. Cats don't need constant attention.

10. Cats don't worry about hair loss.

But the top reason cats are better than men...............

Cats can be neutered if they stray!

Sent to us by Carolyn Marvinetz of Michigan
[ top ]     
New Liquor Labels:
Due to increasing products liability litigation, liquor manufacturers have accepted the suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends repeatedly that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Sent in by Geraldine Fay of Belfast Ireland.
[ top ]     
Women and Men:
Men & women complement each other by the unique traits we were each given:

Women:
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home.
They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, bikers, babes, & your neighbors.
They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.
They fight for what they believe in and they stand up against injustice.
They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and to get their family the right health care.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
Women are honest, loyal and forgiving.
They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family and their friends and themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends and all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.


Men:
Men are good at lifting heavy things and killing bugs.
[ top ]     
It's Beautiful Women Month:
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway. Sent in by Carolyn Marvinetz of Michigan
[ top ]     
The Cost of Kids:
I have seen repeatedly the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. It's nice, really nice!!

* * * * *

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.

But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.24 a day! Just over a dollar an hour.

Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have children if you want to be "rich." It is just the opposite. What do your get for your $160,140?

Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
Glimpses of God every day.
Giggles under the covers every night.
More love than your heart can hold.
Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.
A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up.
You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus.
You have an excuse to keep: reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars.
You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.
You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a splinter, filling a wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.
You get to be immortal.
You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God.
You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.

ENJOY YOUR KIDS AND GRANDKIDS.
[ top ]     
50 Things you don:
1- Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2- Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3- There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4- The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5- A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6- There are more chickens than people in the world.
7- The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
8- On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
9- All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
10- No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
11- "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
12- Almonds are a member of the peach family.
13- There are only 4 words in the English language which end in dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
14- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
15- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
16- Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
17- In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
18- Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
19- The characters Bert & Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
20- A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
21- A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
22- It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
23- The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
24- In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
25- The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
26- The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
27- There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
28- The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
29- A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
30- A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
31- Elvis had a twin brother named Aaron, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron: in honor of his brother. It is also misspelled on his tomb stone.
32- Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
33- More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
34- Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
35- Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump."
36- Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes on one foot.
37- If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
38- Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
39- Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
40- The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
41- The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.
42- TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
43- The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
44- A snail can sleep for 3 years.
45- American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
46- The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
47- Vatican City is the smallest country in the world with a population of 1,000 and a size of 108.7 acres.
48- "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
49- No president of the United states was an only child.
And last and definitely most important:
50- The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
[ top ]     
Graduation Fun Facts:
Fun Facts

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin put together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.

Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. even is.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? I like to think of it as "wise".
[ top ]     
Advice on how to sleep well on Halloween night.:
The thing to remember when you go to bed
Is hang strings of garlic high over your head,
So werewolves and vampires won't come to call.
In fact you won't get many callers at all
'Cause garlic is smelly, besides its success
With magical creatures who visit distress
On humans who read scary stories at night,
And sleep in their bedrooms without a night-light.

The thing to remember when you go to bed
Is putting a cross at your foot and your head,
'Cause witches and vampire bats are religious
And touching a sign like a cross gives them hideous
Goosebumps and warts, hives, the welts and the itches,
Which nobody likes, even vampire bats and witches.
But try not to toss or to turn in your bed.
If you kick off the crosses you're gonna wake dead.

The thing to remember when you go to bed
Is watch out for goblins who munch on your head.
What stops them is water, so ask for a glass,
Then pour it around so the goblins can't pass.
Or else make a run for the bathroom and turn
On the hot and cold faucets and watch goblins squirm.
As a last chance, since goblins all fear running streams,
If you don't own a bathroom, dream water-filled dreams.

So---that's my advice. Now just turn off the light.
Hope you sleep well the next Halloween Night!
[ top ]     
Negative People:
This is something to think about when negative people are doing
their best to rain on your parade. Remember this story the next time
someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life
miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a
trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the
hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and
dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible
airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and
they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber
River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's
gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the
worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly,
and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other
people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good
luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The
hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful,"
explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's
brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first
class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was
great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a
jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they
apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but
I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the
Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the
Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to
step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the
door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
"He said: "Where did you get that crappy hairdo?"
[ top ]     
Fun Facts:
Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. * * * * * *

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." * * * * * *

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." * * * * * *

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. * * * * * *

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." * * * * * *

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold." * * * * * *

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." * * * * * *

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat." * * * * * *

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. * * * * * *

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust." * * * * * *

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather round and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake." * * * * * *

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins,1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer." * * * * * *

Sent in by Carolyn Marvinetz
[ top ]     
A Mother's Wages:
If I would charge one cent each time
I washed my children's clothes,
Or tied a shoe or gave a bath
Or wiped a runny nose,
Or made a bed or acted as
Their judge or referee,
It would be possible that I
Could live in luxury.

If I were paid a nickel for
Each diaper that I've pinned,
For every Band-Aid I've applied
When arms or legs were skinned,
For every toy that I've picked up
And put back in it's niche,
There wouldn't be a single doubt--
Why, I could be quite rich.

If just one dime would be my fee
For giving them a pill,
For making meals and wiping up
The milk they always spill,
For darning scores of tiny socks,
For fixing things that break,
It wouldn't be too long before
A fortune I would make.

Although it's true I don't receive
A solitary cent,
I'm repaid in many ways
For all the time I've spent.
Their smiles, their love is my reward
For this unending care,
And I am richer, yes, by far
Than any millionaire!
[ top ]     
Somebody Said:
Somebody said a mother is an unskilled laborer
. . . somebody never gave a squirmy infant a bath.

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby
. . . somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, normal is history.

Somebody said a mother's job consists of wiping noses and changing diapers
. . somebody doesn't know that a child is much more than the shell he lives in.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct
. . . somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.

Somebody said being a mother is boring
. . . somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

Somebody said teachers, psychologists and pediatricians know more about children than their mothers
. . . somebody hasn't invested her heart in another human being.

Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out"
. . . somebody thinks a child is like a bag of plaster of Paris that comes with directions, a mold and a guarantee.

Somebody said being a mother is what you do in your spare time
. . . somebody doesn't know that when you're a mother, you're a mother ALL the time.

Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices
. . . somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child wind up and hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother . . . somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.

Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first
. . . somebody doesn't have five children.

Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books
. . . somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery
. . . somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten.

Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back
. . . somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies.

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married
. . . somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home
. . . somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said being a mother is a side dish on the plate of life
. . . somebody doesn't know what fills you up.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her
. . . somebody isn't a mother.

Pass this along to all the "mothers" in your life!!!

Sent in by Linda Eagle
[ top ]     
Position: Mom:
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
For the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You pay THEM, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college! will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, pension, tuition reimbursement, paid holidays, job supplies or stock options are offered, there are limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right. Retirement permits you to watch your own children handle this job on their own and permits you the luxury and opportunity to assist in chaos and confusion.

Forward this on to all the Moms you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, and let them know they are appreciated.

Sent in by Cheryl Salto
[ top ]     
Before I was a Mom -:
I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was a Mom - I cleaned my house each day. I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom - I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Spit on. Chewed on. Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom - I never held down a screaming child So that doctors could do tests. Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom - I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom - I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom - I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.

Send this to someone whom you think is a special Mom or Grandma. And remember that behind every successful mother...... is a basket of dirty laundry. Sent in by Carolyn Marvinetz
[ top ]     
20 Ways to confuse Santa Claus:
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :-)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :-("

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

[ top ]     
Christmas Jokes and Riddles:
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. What kind of bird can write?
A. A pen-guin

Q. What do you call Santa with no money?
A. St. Nickel-less

Q. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective ?
A. Santa Clues!

Q. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A. It's Christmas, Eve.

Q. Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A. He wanted to sleep like a log.

Q. Why does Santa Claus like to work in the garden?
A. Because he like to hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q. What happened when the snowwoman got angry at the snowman?
A. She gave him the cold shoulder.

Q. What do snowmen wear on their heads?
A. Ice caps.

Q. What do you when if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A. A pineapple.

Q. How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico?
A. Fleece Navidad!

Q. What is a snowman's favorite lunch?
A. An Iceberger!

Q. What do vampires put on their Christmas turkey?
A. Grave-y.

Q. What did the ghost say to Santa Claus?
A. I'll have a boo Christmas without you.

Q. What do you call a snowman party?
A. A Snowball!
[ top ]     
Christmas Jokes and Riddles:
Q. What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A. A cookie sheet!

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark?
A. Frost bite!

Q. What do you call an Eskimo cow?
A. An Eskimoo.

Q. How is the Christmas alphabet different from the ordinary alphabet?
A. The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.

Q. What do the elves sing to Santa Claus on his birthday?
A. Freeze a jolly good fellow . . .

Q. What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
A. Sandy Claus!

Q. Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A. He wanted to sleep like a log.

Q. Why are Christmas trees such bad knitters?
A. They are always dropping their needles.

Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
A. Thanks, I'll never part with it!

Q. What do you when if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A. A pineapple.

Q. What did the big candle say to the little candle?
A. I'm going out tonight.

Q. Why wasn't the turkey hungry at Christmas time?
A. He was stuffed!

Q. Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A. Because it soots him.

Q. What kind of ball doesn't bounce?
A. A snowball!

Q. What's the best thing to put into Christmas pie?
A. Your teeth!
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Christmas Jokes and Riddles:
Q. What do you get when you eat the Christmas decorations?
A. Tinsel-itus.

Q. Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A. Because every buck is dear to him.

Q. If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A. Missletoe!

Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic.

Q. What does Santa likes to eat?
A. A jolly roll.

Q. How does Santa take pictures?
A. With his North Pole-aroid.

Q. What do elves learn in school?
A. The Elf-abet!

Q. What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A. Crisp Cringle.

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Snowflakes.

Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic.

Q. Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A. Because he had low elf esteem.

Q. How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer 'Olive'? Olive?
A. Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names...

Q. What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
A. A Crisp Cringle

Q. Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A. He wanted to sleep like a log.
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TWELVE STEP INTERNET RECOVERY PROGRAM:
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
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How to keep a healthy level of insanity.:
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.

6. Write "For Sexual Favors" in the memo line of all of your checks.

7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Maria.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let oneof you go."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......

20. Send this to everyone in your address book.
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Great Truths:
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
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The joys of having boys.....:
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas... Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boywearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke --a lot of it.
9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22) The spin cycle on the washing machine will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

a) For those with no children - this is totally
hysterical.
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control
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Trading Places:
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and ball! need the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt! by the bed and said, Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
Voted Women's Favorite Email of the Year
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Health Question and Answer Session:
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO .... Cocoabeans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A : Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember,
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
For entertainment purposes only. Not intended as medical advice. Please seek any and all medical advice from your physician.
[ top ]     
Why Math is Taught in School by A Very Wise Man:
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ....... I think not...
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A Funny Christmas Story:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee
elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular
ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to
visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that
three of them were about to give birth and two had
jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the
boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and
scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of
apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the
cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the
liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot,
and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over
the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found
that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa
trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was
a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The
angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for
you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on
top of the Christmas tree.
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Chinese Feng Shui horoscope.:
This is a Chinese Feng Shui horoscope.
Take a moment to take this test and
see what happens! If you are honest this tells the truth,
Its pretty accurate. Write your answers on paper,
Find out your horoscope at the bottom.

1. Which is your favorite color: Red, Black, Blue, Green or Yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, Black or White?
5. The name of a person that has the same sex as you?
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like California or Florida more?
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
9. Write down a wish (a realistic one)

When you are done, scroll down. Don't cheat!




Answers:
1. If you choose: Red- You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black- You are conservative and aggressive.
Green- Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue- You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection.
Yellow- You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.

2. If your initials are:
A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R You try to live your life to the max and your love life is soon to bloom.
S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.

3. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
Apr-Jun: You will have a strong love relationship that will last forever.
Jul-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your love life will be great, you will find your soul mate.

4. If you choose:
Black: Your life will take on a different direction. It will be the best thing for you and you will be glad for the change.
White: You have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you but you may not realize it.

5. This person should be your best friend.

6. This is how many close friends you will have in your life time.

7. If you choose: California: You like adventure. Florida: You are a laid back person.

8. If you choose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

9. This wish will come true if you send this to 1 person in one hour.
Send it to ten people and it will come true before your next birthday.
Be peaceful to others and to your self.
[ top ]     
Poor People:
One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"

"It was great, Dad."

"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.

"Oh yeah," said the son.

"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.

The son answered:

"I saw that we have one dog and they had four.

We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.

We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.

Our patio reaches to the front yard and they hav! e the whole horizon.

We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.

We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.

We buy our food, but they grow theirs.

We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."

The boy's father was speechless.

Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."
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Accident:
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the.."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the heck would you say?
[ top ]     
Why Women Are Crabby:
We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry biscuits and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the hubby square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the bush without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right.
[ top ]     
Women's Revenge:
Cash, check or charge? I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
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